Sunday, November 30, 2008

Loss

I am filled with hope and fear. Two contradictory emotions. But that's my life right now. There is a song that I have been listening to a lot lately. "There's a light up ahead." by Further seems forever. The title is really self explanatory. I like the acoustic version, it just aches with longing. You see right now I don't know if there is a light up ahead. So it's nice to hear people say that there is. I listen to the song at night as I walk and I imagine emerging from the darkness into some glorious light. I can only dream what it would be like.

There was one time in my life when I was happy. It was wonderful. However the circumstances that created that situation are unrecreatable. So the happiness that I once had now only exists in my memory where it haunts me. It is that which I once had but I am now without. It seems almost cruel that I was ever allowed happiness, because now I know what I'm missing. Before I remembered thinking that I wasn't that depressed. It seemed that while, yes I was sad, I wasn't that much worse off than anyone else. Then I got to see how the other side lived. It wasn't all kicks and giggles, it had it's hard times. But it was bliss compared to life before.

And now it is gone.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Ache

I'm feeling very conflicted right now. There are many things I feel or don't feel. I cant go into them all now, there are to many. Wish I could change the world, wish I could change myself. But that's my issue, my problem. I'm feeling so much and so little. Is this how it feels to come back from depression. If so, then is the cure worse than the disease.

It's a scary thing to do. As odd as it sounds it is absolutely petrifying to give up ones misery. It has been all I have known. There are no promises that something better will take it's place. No promises that the hurt won't compound and shatter me. They say the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Dare I shake hands with the unknown? Dare I not?

I walk through life going through motions. Now that I'm trying stop feeling sad I'm not sure I feel anything. I don't know which would be worse. The pain or the nothing. I am a little angry that those seem to be my only options. When life's options where handed out I must have been in the back of the line.

Again I don't mean to complain. I fear that thats how I sound sometimes. It is not my intention. This blog is meant to be about the things that slosh around my head. There are fates much worse than mine. There are fates much better than mine. But who wants to believe in fate anyway.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

At the stair case looking up.

Imagine if you will your walking with a friend. This friend just happens to be in a wheel chair. You come to a flight of stairs. Do you bound up the stairs and look back expecting your friend to be right behind you? No of course you don't. You find a ramp for your friend. You would never expect the person to get up out of the wheel chair and walk up the stairs. Now I know it's not the same thing but depression is like this. Except it is not as understood as it should be. While people suffering from mental afflictions may not have physical troubles there are emotional stair cases we just can't walk up. Yet people think we should. When someone says "Why don't you just get over it." It irritates me. You wouldn't say "Just get out of you chair and walk up the stairs." to a handicapped person.

Now as I said I know there are differences. Don't try to extend my metaphor to far here. The point I'm getting at is that depression makes certain things difficult, sometimes impossible. I believe with time and work these problems can be overcome. But the key words in that sentence are time and work. If you have someone in your life suffering with depression don't abandon them at the bottom of a stair case. Give them some time, help them, give them a chance.

At least that's what I think.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Comments like rain

So I got my first comment from outside my family and friends(though I consider all who comment as potential friends). This calls for a celebration, everyone go out and buy yourselves something nice.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Out of key

Well I went speed dating the other day. I don't really know how to feel about it. It seems as though I should feel something.

I saw the new Bond movie and was really disappointed. You can only coast off of the previous movie's success for so long.

I started jogging. So far it's not doing much for me.

There was an episode of family guy where Peter gets drunk and becomes a piano prodigy. There's one scene where he's wasted and starts to play a song but it's off key. Lois comes out and pushes him an inch or two and then hes on key. He was playing all the right notes he was just out of position a little bit, and was to drunk to realize it. I kinda feel that way right now. Not the drunk thing. I mean I feel like I'm playing all the right notes but I'm out of position and so everything is off key. I'm going through the right motions but I'm not getting the proper result.

Just to let you know.

I'm feeling empty inside...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Web Comics

I added a few links to some web comics that I follow. They are really good, you should follow them to.

The Order of the Stick: This is a D&D spoof comic drawn in stick person form. It takes a while for it to warm up but it gets really good. If you played D&D you'll get a ton of laughs. Now I have never played D&D, but that in now way interfered with my enjoyment of this comic. It being drawn in stick figures actually adds to the strip's charm. I fell in love with every character in it, hero and villain alike.

Goblins: "See life through their eyes." This strip focuses on what its like to be the goblins in games like D&D. You quickly begin to care about their plight. It also showcases a world where things are seldom black and white. It also takes a while for it to find it's pacing but once it does it delivers a powerful story. Be sure to check out the fund raising goblin "Tempts Fate".

Looking For Group: Sometimes the comedic timing seems off, and the art style made me feel oddly claustrophobic. But Richard makes up for it. Most of the other characters come and go and don't do much, but Richard is the lynch pin of this strip. He makes this comic worth reading. He is just so delightfully evil it's a pleasure to read. And it's odd because all the other main characters have histories that normally would make them interesting, yet their not. So check it out for Richard, and for Pony.

Marry Me: What if a pop star like Britney Spears had a soul? What if a random fan proposed to her at a concert? What if she said yes? What if a priest was in the crowd to seal the deal? All these questions come true and get answered in the comic Marry Me. Its well written and well drawn. It has memorable and lovable characters. And who'd of thunk it, even though its not set in a fantasy themed world I still like it. Parker is my favorite.

Flaky Pastry: This is perhaps the zaniest comic I've come across yet it still manages to work. It's more concerned with having a punchline at the end of each strip than a grand continuing storyline but I'm not complaining. Zintiel is hot and ├╝ber freaky. I've never been so attracted to and so scared of someone in my life. She has a killer body (Both literally and figuratively) with a smile that's right off of the Joker from Batman. And her eyes swim with and insanity that I just want to drown in. Then I love Nitrine with her neon green hair and lips. She's a feisty life addicted goblin. Sadly I have nothing good to say about Marelle. I would have thought it impossible to be unattracted to a Cat-girl. It's her potato like nose and know it all attitude. I put up with her for the sake of enjoying Zintiel and Nitrine. Then the dragon in the pipe joke got real old real fast. But check out the bizarrely named Flaky Pastry for silly fun

Friday, November 14, 2008

Notable Blogs and Crying Winds.

As I log into my blog I have noticed that a link. This link directs me to "Blogs of note." When I first saw this I thought well that's nice. They have a little showcase section for blogs. I wouldn't have thought anymore about it except that it is always there when I log in. It stares me in the face as if to say "Yeah here's a blog of note, and guess what... Its not yours." and then it laughs at me. I've become obsessed.

What does one have to do to get their blog onto the "blogs of note" list? Do I have to start including pictures, I can do that. Does my spelling and me grammar need be better, cuz I can change. Do I need to send the powers that run the "blogs of note" fancy gifts and bribes, because I can... wait I can't do that. Not in this economy anyway.

I mean I've looked at some of these so called "blogs of note", there more like "blogs of not!" Or perhaps I should say naught, because they don't seem very noteworthy to me. That's just one man's opinion, one bitter and jaded man's opinion. It's just as valid as any other.

So I stand up for myself. I call out to the world "Here I am, this is my blog, and it is noteworthy." And I hear my voice echo in the empty theater. It's a harsh sound, but listening to it grants me insight. I know why the shrieking wind howls. It is because it's lonely and wants attention. It doesn't get it as the gentle breeze and so it works destruction and forces you to observe it.

Well this has been my rant. It all could have been avoided if someone at "blogs of note" had noted my blog. I even tried to look up their criteria for blogs wanting to qualify as notable. There was nothing posted. It felt like they were going out of their way to be aloof. Like the Gods on Olympus dispensing favors and punishments in a truly arbitrary fashion. We mortals toil as they pull the strings of fate and we dance like puppets for their amusement.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

More bad news from Buddha

"A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker."
-Buddha


Well thanks a lot Buddha. That's another thing you've said that makes sense. Yet it hurts me because I have tried to refine myself into a good speaker. I like to think of myself as a man of words. Not that I'm good at small talk. But I like to think that I am good at conveying my ideas. I also used to think that this made me a better man. Then Buddha comes along with his infinite wisdom, and ruins it all for me.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

If Buddha can't help, who can?

So in Patrick Rothfuss' blog today he spoke about a Buddhist teaching that initially seemed very very appealing to me.

He said "One of the foundation stones of Buddhist philosophy is" "that desire leads to suffering.

"For example: You see a kid at the grocery store. He wants a candy bar. His mom says no. Result? Suffering. He pitches a fit. Similarly, when I was in my early twenties, I spent a long time desiring various types of romance, and because none was forthcoming, suffering ensued. Much suffering.

"It's simple. The more things you desire, the greater your potential for suffering. It's basic math. And when you stop to think about it, the solution is obvious. If you want less suffering in your life, you simply have to reduce your desires. You need to let go of things." -Patrick Rothfuss

And for about ten minutes I felt better about the world. I tried to unshackle myself from all my desires. It was quite liberating. But then I started thinking. Even if I could get myself to stop wanting things, that fact alone would not make my life any better.

You have failed me once again Buddha and Patrick.

Conversational Hijacking

I have a person in my life who I have on recent occasion began to talk to. I talk about things that are going on in my life. Then the conversation takes a sudden turn away from me.

An example:
ME: So things are really hard right now. I'm struggling with work, and life and..
OTHER PERSON: Yeah things are tough. I know what you mean. Like for me I'm having a really tough time with things. But what's great is that I'm working a little more, putting in that extra bit of effort. That way I have a bit more money. I've had to buckle down more but it will totally be worth it for me.

Now this may not sound to bad. Except this is how every single conversation goes. I try to talk about some of my stuff, then this person hijacks the conversation. He/she turns it around so that their just talking about themselves. Now I don't need to constantly be talking about myself. But from time to time I'd like to have a conversation that revolved around me. Am I wrong in this?

Interest, or the lack thereof.

So I've been trying to talk to my friends and family about myself. You know cuz, I've been feeling down lately. They don't seem that interested. And its hard for me to blame them. I'm not interested and it's my life.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Rejected by the Day.

It seems as though life doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I find that odd, and highly off putting.