I'm feeling very conflicted right now. There are many things I feel or don't feel. I cant go into them all now, there are to many. Wish I could change the world, wish I could change myself. But that's my issue, my problem. I'm feeling so much and so little. Is this how it feels to come back from depression. If so, then is the cure worse than the disease.
It's a scary thing to do. As odd as it sounds it is absolutely petrifying to give up ones misery. It has been all I have known. There are no promises that something better will take it's place. No promises that the hurt won't compound and shatter me. They say the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Dare I shake hands with the unknown? Dare I not?
I walk through life going through motions. Now that I'm trying stop feeling sad I'm not sure I feel anything. I don't know which would be worse. The pain or the nothing. I am a little angry that those seem to be my only options. When life's options where handed out I must have been in the back of the line.
Again I don't mean to complain. I fear that thats how I sound sometimes. It is not my intention. This blog is meant to be about the things that slosh around my head. There are fates much worse than mine. There are fates much better than mine. But who wants to believe in fate anyway.
About Me
- something more than ordinary
- "Could it be that this misery will suffice?" -City and Colour, Sleeping Sickness
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12 years ago
4 comments:
Hey, the nothingness sucks major ass. But sometimes the nothingness is the inbetween time. And it is a time to rest from the hurting. And a time when the sun may start to peek out from behind the clouds. Do nothing, just wait for it. gather your energies and be ready to smile, when that day comes. It's not far off.
Is this the masterpiece you were looking for? I know that it is not. I know that you just wanted to write so you did, but I do question the attitude of it. Of course feeling nothing at the moment is better than the pain you were feeling. This new feeling of unknown means change. The change you are waiting for. The change you have been looking for. This is not a matter of moving from one devil to the other. This is a matter of your entire world changing and for that I am jelious of you. I have been stuck in the same place for years now. Right on the edge of happiness and complete misery. Look up the door is infront of you. Walk out into the sunshine. Feel the warmth on your face. Your so close. Maybe when you get threw you can show me the way. Don't be afraid of the unknown. It has no teeth, just a bark.
If I were to wait until I had a masterpiece to write then I would never write again. This post at least felt honest to me. The ten or so other ones I tried to write just didn't come out. That to me was a sign that they weren't right, at least at that moment. But thanks for keeping me on my toes... I guess...
As far as changing goes. I don't know if this is really going to take. But then maybe that's what change is. I used to think it was a magical moment that occured in an instant. Once made it would make my life better forever and I would never have to think about it again. But I think it will be more like a daily battle, and uphill at that. I might find ways to get better at fighting depression but it will still be a fight. That means somedays I might loose. Hopefully I can get to the point where I win more than I loose.
I think it's very scary for someone to attempt to give up their depression. Of course everyone wants to be happy, but when depression is your life for so long it becomes part of your identity, and it's a scary thing to lose such a big part of your identity. Especially since it involves having to find a new "you" to replace the old one, and in my case I have no idea what that new "me" could/is going to be like.
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