Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Oh, I'm sorry... Am I getting to real for you?

So lately I have had these discussions with various people, friends I guess is what you'd call them. I don't mean to be mean but I'm in a bad place right now. So please take this all with a grain of sugar.

But anyway these discussions. I begin these conversations with the people in my life. They start out innocent enough. I even begin talking playfully about life. Then the conversation turns dark. I have no problem with dark. I like it, I prefer it. Because that's where I am right now. I'm in a dark place. The only way I know how to survive that is to go dark. In the light we fear the dark because we cannot see what lies within it. Once out of the light and in the dark's embrace, it can be a very comforting place if you let it be. Yet at the same time it's the worst place on earth to be.

And because that is where I am right now it is very real for me. It's all I can think about. That is not to say that I want to stay in the dark. Far from it. But I find myself in a place where the dark is plentiful and the light is sparse. So when my friends and family ask me how I'm doing I want to tell them. I want to tell them the truth about me though. I don't want to lie and say I'm fine. When they ask how my day is going should I incorrectly tell them it's going good? They are my friends and family after all. They are the ones that should be close to me. The ones that should help me in times like these.

So when I try to tell them that things aren't going well they push me away. Why? Do I scare them? I don't mean to. It's not as though I threatening them or anything. They ask me how I'm doing. I tell them I'm not so good. They ask why or what they can do to help. I try to explain things. I begin speaking about how I wake up every day and have to talk myself into living. I hear others good news and feel bad inside. Is it envy, do I wish to have good things happen to me? Or is it hate, hate for those who are succeeding when I am not? I do not know. I talk about an emptiness inside of me that just seems to eat at me and eat at me. When I talk about these things they look at me as if to ask why I brought them into this awkward situation. Then they start to back pedal. They laugh off what I have said. They change the subject. They let the matter drop or stop talking to me.

These things I talk to them about are all cries for help and they have failed to answer them. Well done for them. I'm sorry if having to contemplate the pain I live with everyday such inconvenience for them. It must be really tough having to listen to someone your supposed to care about. Well I'll try not to burden them anymore, at least not with this blog entry.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Cast not your pearls...

Before those who will not treasure them.

There is a verse in the bible found in Matthew 7:6 "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you."

This is not a way for Jesus to call people dogs and swine. If you think that then your missing the point. The point of the verse is that you shouldn't take something important to you and lay it in front of those who will have no respect for it. So for all you out there with a treasured personal something. Hold it dear, and be careful who you share it with. For all the rest of you out there, be respectful of the things other people value. You don't want to be the cause of pain to the people around you.

Notice anything different?

Friday, October 24, 2008

One thing not to say to a depressed person.

A depressed person will often say that they don't have anything worth living for. Now maybe they do but they can't see it. I'd like to emphasis the "they can't" part. You may be able to see something but they can't. Even if you point it out. It will either be something that you may think is worth living for but isn't for them; or it will be something that doesn't mean enough to them. The prospect of living with the sadness outweighs the worthwile'ness of your observation.

Another aspect of it is that the person really doesn't have anything worth living for. You may not be able to see this one, but that doesn't mean its not there. For you life may be full of life worthy activities that doesn't it mean it's the same for everyone. Offering them hope won't suffice. A person in this state has used up their entire reserve of hope and it's gotten them nothing. More won't fix anything. Hope is akin to wishing. You can hope for whatever you want, it doesn't mean it will happen.

So what can a person do to help? To really help. Well I don't know. If I ever get helped I'll let you know. So far, nothing. Most people feign concern. They ask how they can help. The person in need has no idea. If they knew how to fix themselves they would. If they knew what help to ask for they would. So they tell people that they don't know what they can do to help. Those people may say something like "Well if you don't know how am I supposed to?" Others may just let it drop. They don't want to hear more. Its a messy emotional situation. They don't want to get involved. In all likelihood help could be given, but that requires effort and work. People are lazy. They find excuses to avoid giving aid.

When individuals say things like you need to find things to look forward to. It's just another way to shirk getting involved. It amounts to little more than trendy psycho babble. It does more good for the asker than it does the pained listener. It sets the asker at ease. Leaves them guilt free and secure in the (false) knowledge that they did their best to help a fellow human in suffering. While the sufferer feels all the worse. Feeling alone, and feeling like no one can help them.


When you think your at the bottom of the world your really at the top. It all depends on how you look at it.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

You know what I hate?

People trying to talk to me when I have my headphones on. When i have my headphones on its my way of saying,"Don't talk to me." What is it about this that people don't get. I understand if there is some urgent need to talk to me then by all means interrupt my music and say, "Hey there's a huge bolder rolling towards you," or "Hey your walking on my foot." But if your talking to me just to say hi and I have my headphone on... what the heck man!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Random thought.

I won't say much for Band kids, but I will say this: They leave a clean dinning area.

The band just got done eating in the dinning area, but you could never tell. They left that place clean.

Friday, October 17, 2008

You know what I hate?

People that try to get on the elevator before you get off.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

To Break without going to Pieces.

I sometimes look back at my school experince with regret. Regret for all the things I didn't do, things I never accomplished. I was never on any sports team. I never got the lead in the school play. I never really stood out from among my peers. Now I consider myself a pretty clever guy. I always was. I don't pride myself on to many things, but my wits is one area that I do. It seems to me that someone clever as I am should have made something more of his life than what I did in school.

I remarked on these feelings to my Mom one day when I was feeling rather low about myself. Because it really hurt that I had lead such an uneventful existence. That day my Mom said something that has stuck with me ever since.
She said "You surrvived, that's all you could do."

It had never hit me the way it hit me then. My schooling was not a pleasant exeperince. In fact it was awful. Everyday was torture. Every. Day.

Survival was a mircale. It was all that I could do. More than what I could have hoped for. For a decade or so I learned how to break without going to pieces. I was broken by my expeneices, but I kept it together.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Book of the Geek

"Now let us ponder the tragedy of Raziel, who in his pursuit of truth was ensnared by liars."