Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tactical retreat

Circumstances have culminated into a situation where I find that I must back pedal a bit in my life. This is not fun. It's one of those instances where I have to take two steps back if I ever want to move forward ever again in my life. The tricky part is that there is no guarantee that I won't get stuck back there as opposed to being stuck up here. If I'm going to be stuck it might as well be further up the track than further back. But here I go anyway. The scary thing is that I know me. I know that I am very likely to get mired down no matter what I do. I know what I must do. I know all the things I could do to make my life better. But doing them is another matter. This morning I had the option of waking up and getting to work on my goals. But I slept in. I succumb to laziness far to easily. If I can't accomplish a task in one day I will often put it off indefinitely.

So that's why I'm afraid of moving backwards. Here's why I need to despite my fears. I am running out of resources. Resources of the financial, and emotional variety. I have no room to go onwards with my life. I'm living paycheck to paycheck, literally and metaphorically. So I am taking a page from military generals and I am sounding a tactical retreat. I'm stuck in a battle that I'm losing and cannot win. It is not over, not yet. So I am withdrawing in the hopes that I can rally.

My mood matches my situation. I am feeling really down right now. Down where I just don't care anymore. It's been a while since I have felt like this. For several months I have been feeling both depressed and motivated. It was an odd concoction but it got me doing things. I was trying at least. Now the motivation is gone and I just feel apathetic. This recent turn in my depression doesn't really seem to be brought on by anything in particular. I used to think that my depression was triggered by situations. Now I'm not so sure. Situations can definitely affect my depression. Bad things can worsen it, good things can pull me out even if it's only briefly.

So that's where I'm at right now.

1 comment:

alice said...

Hey friend. sometimes some situations just aren't as in your face as others. I have been feeling this same way too, recently, especially today. Like I'm stuck in some crazy place of can't move forward. Financially it makes me crazy how stuck I feel. And that kind of sets the mood for everything else. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it buys freedom from worry and financial stress. it also buys vacations and time with friends and etc. Maybe you need to figure out what it is you were put here on this planet to do. WHat do you think it is? I believe that everyone has a special talent of some kind, something that they naturally do more than any other thing, something that helps self and others....what is your thing? what do you love to do? Maybe 're just not doing it, and that's why you feel stuck.. ?