I had a realization the other day. I was thinking about happiness and how it eludes me. It is so hard to exist feeling miserable when I look around and see other people who are apparently happy. Now I know that maybe none of them actually are. Maybe they all have problems to. Maybe some are worse off than me. But I have these moments with my friends when I come to a shocking revelation that "Wow they don't think about killing themselves all the time." In that moment I am saddened and sickened by myself. I am sad because I realize that I truly do wallow in misery. It's not entirely my fault. That makes me angry. I'm sickened because how can everyone else go through life all happy when I'm trying to scrounge up a good feeling just for a minute or two. It just doesn't seem fair.
To have what they seem to have has been a life long wish of mine. So I began looking at them and trying to figure out what makes them happy. Then I would try doing what they did. That never seemed to work. I'd ask myself why am I not happy when I am doing what they did, why did it work for them but not me? That's when I had my little realization. I am not like those people. I am not like them at all. It is then absurd to think that what makes them happy could make me happy too. I have gotten angry at people for not understanding that I'm different from them and then I turn around and beat myself up for the very same reason. To be who I am and then think that the only way to be happy is to be like everyone else, now that's crazy.
So now I have to figure out what will work for me. Who knows how long this will take, or if it's even possible. But I think that now I have a better chance.
To have what they seem to have has been a life long wish of mine. So I began looking at them and trying to figure out what makes them happy. Then I would try doing what they did. That never seemed to work. I'd ask myself why am I not happy when I am doing what they did, why did it work for them but not me? That's when I had my little realization. I am not like those people. I am not like them at all. It is then absurd to think that what makes them happy could make me happy too. I have gotten angry at people for not understanding that I'm different from them and then I turn around and beat myself up for the very same reason. To be who I am and then think that the only way to be happy is to be like everyone else, now that's crazy.
So now I have to figure out what will work for me. Who knows how long this will take, or if it's even possible. But I think that now I have a better chance.
1 comment:
Do me a favor, my friend. go here: http://tut.com and sign up for the Notes from the Universe. It's a free email that goes out every day, M-F. For whatever reason, these notes have given me a lift every day for the past year. And often they are scarily in tune with whatever I'm experiencing, to the point of feeling way to written just for me to be coincidental. Scrounging up a good feeling can be extremely daunting. This is a way that you can have one delivered to you, no scrounging required.
Also, feel free to email me should you ever really like to "talk." I am a good listener, and a good bit older than you; I may have something of value to share. That would be neat! reinventingalice(at)gmail.com I'll always write you back.
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