I could almost feel it as I woke up. Despite the queasy stomach ache that I have never had before I could feel that today was going to be good. Not because it was going to be good to me but because I was going to plow through it all and make it good. I was wrong.
It was not so much what happened as a combination of things that didn't happen. Yesterday was a good day and that was surprising. I went to the gym, hung out with a friend and had a good time. Coming off of that high and into today I thought things were looking up. Work was ok, and I was having a good text conversation with another friend. Things seemed promising. Without going into specifics it just felt like everything... just kinda left me hanging. It wasn't even big stuff. I feel like a stupid house of cards sometimes. Just the slightest of things can ruin me. Which is odd because serious challenges brings out my resolve. I got a speeding ticket one day and I felt great because it gave me a opportunity to handle a concrete issue. It is the doldrums, not the storm, that destroys me. Someone can say or do the wrong thing and I'm crushed. I know it's not fair to hold other people accountable for my happiness. Yet I don't know how realistic to is to absolve everyone of responsibility regarding my emotional well being. People can be rude, mean, and cruel. To think that this shouldn't have an effect on a person is naive.
People have told me that no one can make me feel anything that I don't want. People have said to me that no one can force me to do anything. They claim that I always have a choice in deciding how I react. I disagree. People can force their wills on others, to a degree, no matter how a person may resist. I've been told that I have to be the bigger man. That really doesn't make sense to me. Growing up was a rather tortuous experience for me. Some have said that even though I suffered great pains back then I can overcome them now and lead a rich, full, and happy life. They even go so far to say that it is my obligation to those around me to do this. I'm going to use a metaphor here to hopefully explain why this feels so absurd to me. Imagine running in a marathon. At the start of the race some one purposely trips you and then slams their foot down on your leg and ankle. That person is never caught, they run on with the rest of the race. Now your told that even though your the victim here you need to get up and run. Even though your leg, the part of you that allows you to run, had been injured. This injury makes the act of just standing painful, walking becomes a nightmare, and trying run is unimaginable. And your not just being told to run, no! Your being told you have to catch up to the rest of the runners. You have to finish. You have to win!
That's what it feels like to me.
How can I be happy when the part of me that feels is broken. It's not even my fault yet I'm the one that has to deal with it. Someone said in reference to this, "So what if your childhood was bad. There's nothing you can do about it now. All you can do is make the rest of your life good." Well that sounds, nice in a pick yourself up by the bootstraps kind of way. They said "Well what do you want? What could make it better?" Their assuming that nothing could fix things. Well there wrong. I want a free pass on the next twenty years of my life. That's right. The first twenty or so where unnecessarily hard. So it's only fair I get a free ride for the next twenty. Even then it may not fix anything. But at least then there would be balance, there would be justice. I know that this isn't a realistic possibility. But I'm a little sick of hearing "The victim must pay for what the victimizer did." Which goes hand in hand with statements like "We're tired of listening to you, tired of you being gloomy. Cheer up or go away. You must like being sad otherwise you'd shake yourself out of this depression."
Now I don't mean to sound to terribly sad. Even here on this blog. My blog, and I'm still afraid to show all of what I feel. I'm afraid because of who might see. Afraid of who might mock. Afraid that those kind souls that do listen and console might get tired listening and consoling.
To those of you out there, you know who you are, I thank you. I just wanted to take some time to say it. I am so grateful for your words. For those who may just be reading I thank you as well. I hope that some good comes of it. Now I want to say that in writing this I am not asking to be cheered up. Please don't try. Just knowing you listen is far more comforting. This was just a bad day that was supposed to be a good day. It will pass. I write this because it helps to get it off my chest.
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9 comments:
Bravo! Well done. You know I have stuff to say, but for this one I'll keep my cards close to my chest.
That's the big stigma with depression. People think those with depression are weak, and we just need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. They don't realise that we have no control over it, we don't know how to control it.
A friend of mine wrote a blog post recently about how he doesn't approve of taking anti-depressants because happiness should come from within, then at the end wrote "this doesn't apply to conditions like bipolar disorder which are related to hormones". People don't realise that depression is exactly the same. It may be a terrible thing to say, but sometimes I wish I had something like manic depression that is more commonly recognised as having a biological cause, and then I'd feel less pressure to "just cheer up".
Well from my eyes to yours, I cautiously accept your "Bravo" but I am leery of the stuff you have yet to say.
As for girl, I agree. There are many different forms of psychological problems. The solutions to these problems are varried. What may work for some may not work for others.
Once again I just want to thank you guys for being there. Or being here, or whatever. It really means a lot to me. Don't forget that. Take it as a huge compliment because I mean it as one.
Thank you for writing! Your blog is probably my favourite one that I read actually, I really relate to the things you say, and I often find myself thinking, "Wow, I never would have thought of it like that but that's such a good way of putting it". It's comforting to know it's not just me who feels like this.
Hey my friend. I am totally dealing with the same stuff, people telling you your full of shit, that it's a choice. They don't understand because they don't experience this. Lucky them. But I wouldn't tell someone with Cancer to buck up, it's all in their head, even if I do believe that people hold the power to heal somewhere inside. There are miraculous stories, glorious stories of people being healed of terrible diseases. But the odd depression or bipolar disorder? Not so many glorious tales in those categories. Something strange is happening, and there must be a way out, but what is it? One book that really did make a difference, gave me a bit of leverage in coping with others, is called The Four Agreements. I highly recommend it, not as a cure for depression, but as a way to add some tools to your coping skills. It's simple and easy and profound, and if you use the tools, you will notice a difference. I do and there is a marked difference, which can be called "nice." I'm so sorry you are hurting, I understand your suffering. I wish I could give you a hug.
Alo again.
I actually just wrote a post very similar to this. People don't understand the power of words. They truly don't. It's beyond frustrating when they also tell me to "Get over my bad childhood" like it's a tissue I can just pull from my brain and merrily skip my way through life.
HA!
And unfortunately yes, we are so like a house of cards because we're so busy trying to keep our shizzy together that one ill word can just send us tumbling down the rabbit hole (as Ms Alice so eloquently phrases it).
I think part of the reason people don't understand that something is wrong with us is because, like you said, during certain challenges we suddenly go in to responsible mode. Yet, when something small happens we freak out.
Meh. Apparently it's all about finding a middle ground. And that sucks because you think it would be easy, but it may be the hardest challenge we'll ever have to face.
As for being afraid to write what you truly feel, that's your choice (obviously) but sometimes it can be freeing to just sit down and write whatever comes to mind without censuring. But yeah. Hopefully this doesn't come out as preachy. Just thoughts and hopefully reinforcement that may help.
Hey my friend in the darkness. I want to invite you to my new, secret anonymous blog. please email me for the address. If for some reason I don't hear from you before Solace in Wonderland self-destructs, get it from NerdOneirik.
:) hope you are well
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