There is a song by silverchair called Ana's Song (Open Fire). It's about the lead singer, Daniel Johns' struggle with anorexia nervosa. I remember watching the music video years ago. Something in it has been preying on my mind and I thought I'd share.
You can watch it here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdF98W-ON3Q
At about the 1:53 mark the person pushing Daniel in the wheelchair stops and walks away. We see that it's Daniel leaving himself in the wheelchair to go join the band. I love the subtle look the two exchange. I think the imagery is very apt. It's hard for me to pin down exactly what I want to highlight with this video, but here it goes.
I look at the whole pushing your self in the wheelchair like this. The person in the chair represents all the weaknesses and fears. It's the sick part in me that keeps me from climbing those stairs I talked about in my other post. The person pushing the chair is all the strong parts. The hope, the love, the power, that I possess. That person is unable to climb said stairs because their pushing the weak and fearful around in the wheelchair. To separate means leaving one behind. No matter how feeble and miserable that guy in the wheelchair is it's still me. Losing him would be like losing an arm. Yet I want nothing more than to be rid of him. To feel the sun like other people, not just the cold. To live instead of dying everyday. Deep down the guy in the wheelchair wants that to. He wants to be free of his awful existence. He longs to be the person capable of pushing wheelchairs. Yet he hates them at the same time. When Daniel leaves himself in the wheelchair and he looks back as if to say "Where I go now you cannot, or will not follow." And Daniel in the chair seems looks back at him with unspeakable longing. Well at least that's what I see.
But I think some of the lyrics in the song are very telling also. He sings about how terrible the sickness is yet still sings "But I need you now somehow." I know I feel that way about my depression. I want to be rid of it yet... I still need it. It's all I've ever known. I fear that it's all I will ever know.
Yet Hope, like some terrible itch I just can't scratch, rears it's ugly head. It keeps me going, keeps me believing. If it manages to deliver on it's promise then I will sing it's praises until the day is worn out. But as of right now I'm still waiting, still hoping.
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My friend I don't know how much we have talked about this, but I suffer from what is called a degenerative disc disorder. Which means the discs in my back are degenerating and they won't get better.(I'm sure you assumed that by the name, but just making sure.)
Anyway you know me as an active, down for anything type of guy. This causes problems for I am in pain all the time. I do these stupid exercises every day to lesson the pain, but most of the time I am suffering due to a stupid move and the intense pain will last for weeks and sometimes months.
I'm sure you thinking what does this have to do with what I'm talking about. Well you see I do remember life before this problem, but I never be able to go on without this problem. It's kind of the reverse of what your feeling.
Now the only normalness I feel in my life are the brief pockets of pain free moments. I'll get maybe three weeks out of the year where I feel normal again. Where I can feel myself.
Now these moments come form those stupid exercises. The ones I have to do every day. Every day for only three weeks. Doesn't sound like a very fair trade off does it?
This is were it relates to you. You have a part of you that sits in that wheelchair you talked about. Now this is a part of you that you are afraid to leave, because it is in fact a part of you.
You have also mentioned a time in you life when you had that brief pocket of time where no part was in the wheelchair or maybe you just left it. (I'm speaking of your time in south Africa).
You see the times I can be happy is when I have done the exercises and I can forget about what it is that ills me. You can find a way to be happy again by doing the exercises. You know what they are. they may be stupid and you might not want to do them, but they are necessary to get the result.
I do them because I know what it feels like to not have the pain. You need to do them to remember what it's like to feel the pain. Your lucky because you don't HAVE to deal with this the rest of your life. Do what it is that made you happy back then. You say you can't duplicate it, but you can. It's as simple as that. YOU CAN. It may take a while and it may not last, but it's better to have had a brief moment when you can be free than to live the rest of you life wishing you were free.
Believe me this is something I know about.
When you say "you don't HAVE to deal with this the rest of your life" I don't know if that's true. If my depression can be corrected by medication or by behavioral modification than great. That means I can be free of it. If the wiring in my brain is just plain messed up I may be stuck with it for life just like your discs. I don't don't know which will be the case but I hope I can get better.
But I think your wrong about recreating the situation that made me happy. It's just not replicatable. Not here, not now. maybe there will be something else someday that will be able to make me happy. But the events of the past are like a snowflake, unique but once melted they are gone forever never.
Alo, due to the wonderful ability to internet stalk, I came across a post you left on Solace in Wonderland's blog (don't worry... I didn't like *really stalk you... lol).
I just wanted to share that I know EXACTLY what you mean in this post. In fact, in response to one of Alice's posts, I responded with http://solaceinwonderland.blogspot.com/2008/12/not-good-not-good.html?showComment=1229241720000#c8271288467284270989
which, I think, kinda relates to what you're saying. I've only read a couple of posts so I'm not sure what your official diagnosis is, but being bipolar, I understand the extremes pretty well. I don't want to lose the highs yet I detest the lows BUT some of my most creative writing/drawing comes from them. Losing it terrifies me but I know that I have to find a common ground between them. Perhaps that's what the chair represents. Not the weakness, not the strength. The middle.
*ahem*... <_< >_> I dunno. lol Just some thoughts. I hope they're not offensive.
Perspective is always welcome here. Thanks for the comment. I myself am dealing with depression. I have long periods of lows with occasional trips into the not so lows. I don't go from one extreme to the other. So I don't know what that particularlly feels like. Wish there was a fix for all of us. A real fix.
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