Of Shells and Hells

I was at work the other day. Some of my coworkers were talking about the first time they met me. As I have said before I am a quiet guy. I used to be quite shy, that shyness has matured into a quietness. The two, while similar, are very different. That is not to say that this quietness is better than the shyness. (If even it ever was shyness.) It is more to say that being quiet or shy was more a issue of how I reacted to the way the world treated me. The shyness was a defense mechanism to some of the negative aspects of my life. Even though those negative conditions no longer exist that shy defense mechanism was how I had to live every day. The quietness is what I'm stuck with now.

So my coworkers were talking about how quiet I was when I first started. Then they said "But since then we have gotten you out of your shell." That word they used, that "we" really bugged me. "But since then we have gotten you out of your shell." It took me awhile to figure out why that phrasing bugged me. Part of it was thinking that they had drawn me out of my shell. Like they had done me a favor. Well if they actually had gotten me out of my shell that would have been a huge favor. More than just a favor, they would have preformed for me a miracle for which I would have been eternally grateful. Sadly they had not achieved such a grandiose accomplishment.

The other part that bugged me was the fact that they thought that our friendship with each other was somehow due to their efforts. Because the fact of the matter that is that it was all me. Well maybe not all me. The person that I am now is the person who first started working there. There has been no change in me. What had changed is that I decided to trust them and let them into my life. It was not a matter of them getting me out of my shell. It was a matter of me letting them into my shell.

I draw this conclusion from another experience I had at work. Someone who also thought me quiet but I had gotten to know them and they no longer considered me reclusive. This person related to me that other people around the job had asked her
"So, does this guy ever talk?"
"Sure, he talks to me all the time." she said.
You see I had let this one person into my shell whereas I had kept the other out. If my coworkers had gotten me out of my shell, as they claimed. Then it would seem to me that I would then be open, friendly, and talkative to everyone.

Now the interesting thing about shells. They keep the world out while keeping what's inside safe. The only drawback is that the shell is lonely. Now I've let some people into my shell but they can't stay. The shell is only big enough for one. It is in that sense that the shell is a very much like hell. My own personal hell that I've made. It keeps me safe but hurts me at the same time. A hell of one's own making is still a hell.

Some might say that it would be better to leave the shell behind. To live unafraid and experience the world. But the hell I live in makes me so weak that I doubt I'd be able to survive exposed like that.

So I guess I'm stuck. Master of my shell, keeper of my hell.