Oh, I'm sorry... Am I getting to real for you?

So lately I have had these discussions with various people, friends I guess is what you'd call them. I don't mean to be mean but I'm in a bad place right now. So please take this all with a grain of sugar.

But anyway these discussions. I begin these conversations with the people in my life. They start out innocent enough. I even begin talking playfully about life. Then the conversation turns dark. I have no problem with dark. I like it, I prefer it. Because that's where I am right now. I'm in a dark place. The only way I know how to survive that is to go dark. In the light we fear the dark because we cannot see what lies within it. Once out of the light and in the dark's embrace, it can be a very comforting place if you let it be. Yet at the same time it's the worst place on earth to be.

And because that is where I am right now it is very real for me. It's all I can think about. That is not to say that I want to stay in the dark. Far from it. But I find myself in a place where the dark is plentiful and the light is sparse. So when my friends and family ask me how I'm doing I want to tell them. I want to tell them the truth about me though. I don't want to lie and say I'm fine. When they ask how my day is going should I incorrectly tell them it's going good? They are my friends and family after all. They are the ones that should be close to me. The ones that should help me in times like these.

So when I try to tell them that things aren't going well they push me away. Why? Do I scare them? I don't mean to. It's not as though I threatening them or anything. They ask me how I'm doing. I tell them I'm not so good. They ask why or what they can do to help. I try to explain things. I begin speaking about how I wake up every day and have to talk myself into living. I hear others good news and feel bad inside. Is it envy, do I wish to have good things happen to me? Or is it hate, hate for those who are succeeding when I am not? I do not know. I talk about an emptiness inside of me that just seems to eat at me and eat at me. When I talk about these things they look at me as if to ask why I brought them into this awkward situation. Then they start to back pedal. They laugh off what I have said. They change the subject. They let the matter drop or stop talking to me.

These things I talk to them about are all cries for help and they have failed to answer them. Well done for them. I'm sorry if having to contemplate the pain I live with everyday such inconvenience for them. It must be really tough having to listen to someone your supposed to care about. Well I'll try not to burden them anymore, at least not with this blog entry.