Monday, March 30, 2009


It was some tv spot trying to raise awareness for Depression. The parting line stated that Depression is curable. They said I could be healed, so why do I not believe them. It is truly odd because I have often said that I believe that there is a way to be relieved of Depression. I don't know what it is or when it will come but somewhere, deep down I believe it. So when I saw this ad it puzzled me that my first instinctual reaction was to doubt it. It's like I have these two very conflicting internal responses. One full of hope, the other full of fear. It is not a pleasant mix.

So what do I make of this?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

"Thanks for noticing me."

I was with some people the other day and someone called me Eeyore, you know the sad donkey from Winnie the Pooh. I guess I had just said something bemoaning myself. I attempt to avoid this and I try so very hard not to whine. Sometimes though, when all you have is a raincloud over your head you forget that other people have sunshine, and you forget that they can't see your own personal storm centered above you. The last thing I want to do is let my rain cloud overwhelm their bright day. But like I said I must have said something, I slipped up I guess. I made some offhand depressing comment about myself and was called Eeyore because of it.

Now I have been called Eeyore in the past and it never bothered me. This time it did. For awhile I couldn't figure out why. In the past it had been friends and family that called me that. I had always taken it as a term of endearment. It was their way of recognizing me as sad yet still lovable. This time, however, I was offended. And it wasn't just because I had been called a depressing stuffed ass. Although that was part of it. Even though this comment had been made in jest I couldn't help feeling that the person was also saying "Here comes this guy, a walking rain cloud." I also got the impression that the person was insinuating that I was trying to be an "Eeyore" on purpose. Now to be fair I must acknowledge that being depressed does not exactly give one a healthy mindset with which to process the interactions one has with the world. For the depressed person slights feel like insults, and insults can be devastating.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Bad or Broken?

I attended a wedding recently. One of my closest friends was getting hitched, I was a groomsman. Weddings are interesting things. There was for me, of course, the inescapable and rather cliche feeling of jealously. Seeing someone else so happy reminded me of how unhappy I was. Seeing two people so much in love that they brightened the room whenever they saw each other only made me feel darker. Oh I suppose I was happy enough for them the day of the actual wedding. In fact I remember enjoying myself more than I thought I would. It was the before and after periods that got me down.

It's not so much that I'm love sick. (Although I am and have been ever since I got dumped on the swing set by the girl I liked back in the first grade.) It was more the general fact that others were happy when I was not. I wonder if that makes me a bad person. Yet even now I'm not sure if I care whether I'm a bad person or not... Maybe that fact right there makes me a bad person. Or perhaps it just makes me a broken person... I don't know.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

From here...

I'm at a point in my life and I just don't know where to go from here. It's like I'm stalled. Like some kind of engine. Inexplicably not running.